Author:
Funmito Obafemi
On this week’s edition of LoveLens stories, we have Kolawole and Modupe, who are now 36 years into their union. It began with thoughtful choosing and has been sustained by intentional living.
This couple opens up about the practical and deeply personal reasons that brought them together, the challenges that shaped their bond, and the values that turned partnership into a legacy.
Kolawole: We first met in 1987, and our friendship had grown into courtship. Around that time, her father challenged her, saying she would not continue her educational advancement unless she brought home the man she intended to marry.
That moment became the reason she brought me home to meet her father in 1988. Her father prayed for me and spoke with me. He asked about my background, occupation, and intentions. That was how it started. At that time, she was already working with IITA, while I had just moved to Orogun when she came to celebrate my birthday.
From that time onwards, the relationship became more defined and serious. By 1989, the Lord said yes to the union. We got married on November 3rd, 1989.
Modupe: As he said, we met in 1987 and became close in 1988. I was already working at IITA then. After closing from work, I would go to my mother’s shop in Eleyele, and that was where he usually met me in the evenings. He would meet me with my friends, and from there, he took an interest, and we began dating.
My father, being eager for me to settle down, especially as the first daughter among six children, kept encouraging me to make a decision. He noticed that suitors were coming around and didn’t want me to delay unnecessarily.
I, on the other hand, felt it was still early. However, as it turned out, I eventually made up my mind and chose my present husband. We later travelled together to Lagos to see my dad. My father interviewed him before giving his approval, and by 1989, we became husband and wife.
Kolawole: For me, it was simply the Lord’s doing. Our journey started well because God started it with us. There wasn’t one dramatic event that made me say she was the one. Even at her young age, she already started working, which meant she had direction and a future. I desired someone who could stand by me, walk with me, and whom I could boast of.
At that time, there were negative voices and discouragement from different angles, but I made up my mind. Even though our spiritual maturity was not as strong then, God made all the wrong signals turn right. So truly, it was the Lord who settled it in my heart.
Modupe: In a nutshell, what really drew me to him was the nature of his job, and for health reasons, too. My genotype makes me prone to malaria. When I discovered he was in the medical line, it gave me confidence because I believed he would understand my condition.
My parents were worried I would become a burden to him, but God took control. After we got married, he proved them wrong. He monitored my meals, gave me medication, and took care of me. That was when I knew I didn’t make a mistake.
Modupe: We courted for roughly two years.
Modupe: Firstly, he cares deeply for the children and cherishes them a lot. He also never allows anyone, including his relatives, to undermine me in any way. He is committed to my progress, always thinks positively, and constantly encourages me to grow. Above all, he fears God.
Kolawole: I’ll say almost the same thing, but let me add a few points. We began our journey as Muslims, but along the line, I felt led to draw closer to God. At that time, she was in school pursuing her HND, and I encouraged her to also commit herself to the things of God. We had our first child in 1989, and because she was in school, I was the one taking care of the baby.
One evening, while washing the child’s clothes, some members of Deeper Life came to preach to me and they even helped me with the washing. When she returned home that weekend, I told her I had become a Christian. She didn’t resist or question it; she simply joined me in the new faith.
Later, we lost that child, and it was a deeply painful season. The experience shook us deeply, as we had it so tough. The clinic was on the verge of collapse, and we struggled to pay rent.
Everything felt uncertain. But through it all, she stood by me. Her cooperation and support helped us rebuild our lives and find our footing again.
Related: I do not mourn my wife; I celebrate her legacy
Modupe: He has done that many times. I remember when his immediate sister got married and they used our house for the wedding. After the celebration, she came into our home while I wasn’t around, went into my bedroom, and took some things from my box, claiming they belonged to her. I only realised three days later when I went to use the items and noticed they weren’t arranged as I had left them.
When I asked my mother-in-law, she calmly said someone (my sister-in-law) had come to “reclaim” what they said was theirs. I told my husband when he returned, and he was furious. He queried the sister over the missing items and I felt protected in that moment. He didn’t want anyone harassing me.
At another time, his brother came from Saudi Arabia and gave me some money for unclear reasons. I later told my husband, and again, he made it clear that what was done was wrong and returned the money. He made them understand that we weren’t beggars and that I didn’t deserve to be treated that way.
There was also an issue with his late elder sister, and even though my mother-in-law was present, he stood firmly by me. It became so serious that I even found myself begging him to forgive her, but he ensured his family understood they had no right to speak to me harshly or harass me.
These are just a few examples, but there are many. Every time he stands up for me, it makes me feel valued and important to him. He always protects me.
Modupe: The hardest season of my life was losing our first child, Temitope, at five years and two months old. She was a bright, beautiful, and intelligent girl. That evening, she followed me to my shop and asked me to cut her hair. I was not willing, but after much pestering, I accepted.
On our way back home, she complained that her legs hurt, and I told her that since she had walked here, she would definitely walk back. Her complaints increased and I didn’t understand how she was behaving.
When her father returned home that night, I told him about her condition. Then, he examined her body, checked her eyes and realized we had to rush her to the hospital because her eyeballs were paper white and pale.
Our neighbor drove us down that night because her dad was too shocked to drive. When we got to the first hospital, they couldn’t admit her because they had no blood. Then, we took her to another hospital (Oni and Sons), where she was admitted and needed an urgent blood transfusion.
That midnight, she asked me to come around and she passed. It felt like the whole world collapsed. Before her death, I had already had two miscarriages — one at three months and another at six months that nearly claimed my life.
So this really traumatized me and left me depressed. But thank God for Christ, who carried us. That remains the greatest challenge in my marital journey.
Also, life is not rosy from beginning to end because there are seasons that test you. Another tough period was when we relocated from Orogun with my children and my husband. My eldest daughter was three, and my other daughter was one.
We moved to our house when it was still under construction. There was just one room and we had no light, water, or toilet. By 6 pm, the whole place was pitch dark. The place was like a forest, yet we decided to manage ourselves there.
My husband travelled to Abeokuta during the week and came home on weekends, so we were always alone in the house. Even visitors who came to buy land couldn’t believe we were living there. That experience was terrible, but we endured.
Friends helped us with items like bread and encouragement. My mum always told me to be patient, that it wouldn’t last forever. There was a time when I travelled with my youngest one and left my husband and the oldest one behind. But they couldn’t sleep there even for one night. Church members also expressed their dissatisfaction, saying it felt like a jungle.
Some even called my husband “wicked”, but I told them that wasn’t the case. It was our property, and we had to manage it. That was another big challenge I faced in my marriage. To the glory of God today, the house is a five-bedroom duplex.
Kolawole: Beyond that loss, there wasn’t another pain that could compare. But life came with its own battles. I had to stand my ground with my family many times because I believed in the life I wanted to build.
At one point, I almost abandoned my postgraduate studies. My wife pushed me, supported me physically and emotionally, and helped me finish. I never thought I could make it, but I did.
Another challenge was losing her job at IITA. It was when we were just picking up. She was lecturing at two catering schools, which doubled her initial salary. Once her colleague saw she was doing well financially (she bought a car and a bus), they teamed up to fire her.
So, I asked her to stop working there and start her business. I gave her the key to two rooms in our apartment where she began her catering school. We printed and distributed fliers to advertise to people.
She started with about 3-4 students. When they needed accommodation, we provided the rooms. That made her financially independent, so she bought another car and built her house.
We had a nice experience. When you have no one to assist you, you rely on God and keep moving until you reach where He has ordained.
Related: I converted to Christianity before I married my wife
Kolawole: When God is involved, things eventually settle. Patience is everything. In marriage, one person has to be the wolf and the other the sheep, as both cannot be stubborn at the same time.
I’m naturally the tougher one. In the early years, my wife was soft, but now she’s tough too, so I’m the one who calms down. Above all, God has helped us from the beginning till now.
Modupe: He’s right. In any relationship, both partners cannot be hot or cold at the same time. There must be a balance. When one is heated, the other must be calm or else conflict will escalate. We do argue, but someone eventually calms down and apologies become necessary.
Two people raised in different homes will disagree at some point, but maturity is in how we settle it. One can also stay silent when the other is upset. Till death do us part, we’ll argue, but we must also resolve it.
Apologizing the right way brings peace, and with God in the centre, disagreements don’t turn violent. Submission and understanding have also played important roles.
Modupe: The roles in our home fall into different categories. My husband handles the major financial responsibilities, especially the children’s school fees and general feeding. I also contribute the little I can. He doesn’t handle it all and God has been helping us carry it together.
Kolawole: No one should bear 100% of the load because any partner who expects that wants to destroy the other. A man’s focus is on how the family moves forward. But when there is cooperation, and the woman has capacity, she should contribute too.
My wife aligns with what I need. She is very supportive and prepares good food, which makes me like her all the more. She takes care of visitors excellently and attends to their needs. Men should also have a source of income so they can support their families financially.
Related: 26+ years of interfaith marriage
Kolawole: First, young couples must learn to take responsibility for their own home. They should not be controlled by their parents all the time or run to them over every disagreement.
They can encourage them, but shouldn’t cause separation because of minor issues. Responsible parents should help resolve marital conflicts rather than worsen them. If possible, the parents can support the newlyweds.
In addition, commit everything to the Lord’s hands. Couples should understand that marriage brings together two different cultures, ideas, and backgrounds. No parent can predict the final outcome of a marriage, so the best they can do is pray, offer wise counsel, and support.
Also, don’t allow divorce or separation. If the marriage breaks up, the children suffer the most. So my advice to newlyweds is to take everything to God in prayer.
Modupe: Young couples should see themselves as one and build their home in the fear of God. Third-party interference should be minimal. Parents may advise, but they should maintain healthy boundaries. They should also avoid unnecessary friendships that could ruin their marriage.
Couples should pray together. They say, “the family that prays together stays together.” Even when you disagree, make time to pray together. If there is any disagreement, resolve it immediately and apologize where necessary.
Also, cooperate with each other. Wives should support their husbands, and both partners should nurture their children together. For instance, if the man pays the school fees, the wife can support the family by paying private tutors to teach the children.
It is a blessing to marry into a united home, though not everyone enjoys that grace. Some marriages are on the verge of collapse, but when they pray that God change their spouse’s heart, he hears it.
Also, contentment is key, and idleness creates room for problems. So work hard, pray, and trust God to bless your efforts. These go a long way in sustaining a marriage.
Kolawole: I appreciate the way you took time to structure these questions. We’ve discussed all but one thing: I’d love to add that marriage will always come with a mix of good and challenging seasons, and the good often comes first. When things are good, take note of what is working, because, as the Yoruba say, “When things happen, people will trace them back to past actions.”
One key area that isn’t good is having friends when you’re married. Couples must be careful with external influences. The more friends you have, the more opinions you will hear, and not everyone advising you is invested in your home’s success. The best thing is to know your partner, do what you can, and understand that challenges will evolve as you grow.
I also learned something practical. A relative once advised that when it comes to major capital projects like building a house, the man should take the lead. If the woman wants to support, she can.
He gave that advice based on experience. He didn’t follow it himself, and later faced complications that led to the separation and division of his properties in the UK and Nigeria. Couples may both contribute, but let certain things be handled in a structured way.
For example, a man can say, ‘I bought this freezer,’ even though in his heart he knows it is for the family. Children grow up understanding that both parents own things together. The internal order prevents unnecessary disputes later.
When separation occurs in some marriages, it affects the children and the affected couples share the properties. Finally, prayer and God’s guidance remain essential. Without God’s help, wisdom and effort alone are not enough.
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