Author:
Funmito Obafemi
Some marriages end after death, but a few continue to live on. They speak through the lives they shaped, the values they had, and the love that refuses to fade — even after one’s partner is gone. On this week’s edition of LoveLens Insights, Adeniyi’s marriage is one of them.
From meeting in church to building a home anchored in prayer, respect, and shared purpose, their journey reflects what it means to love deliberately, and even in the absence of the other, the marriage continues to teach. Their story offers timeless lessons for married couples and singles.
Adeniyi: I met my beautiful wife in 1996 at Vine Branch Church in Ibadan. I was a home cell leader at Agbowo, while she served in the choir. A pastor introduced her to me so I could mentor her spiritually, since she lived close to where our cell met. Interestingly, I had already decided to join the choir myself, and that shared space helped our bond grow.
A year later, we got married, and two years after that, God blessed us with twin girls. From the very beginning, we placed God at the center of our relationship. And I’ve learned that the closer you move to God, the closer you move to each other. That foundation has sustained our marriage over the years.
Although we met in church, I believe strongly that marriage success is not about where you meet, but how you build. Love is the key. From early on, we chose to call each other “love”, an intentional decision that reflected how we wanted our relationship to feel and be perceived.
Our marriage is also inter-ethnic. I am Yoruba, and my wife was Igbo, but mutual respect has helped us navigate our differences. A man needs respect, just as a woman needs love.
I believe a husband should love his wife as Christ loved the Church, and a wife should respect and submit thoughtfully to her husband. That was what happened in our marriage.
There will be seasons of abundance and lack, but it is love that sustains you and the home. Love expresses itself through giving, sharing, caring, endurance, and patience. I may not be a perfect man, but I know I love my wife, and I know she loves me.
Learn to respect his opinion and avoid nagging. Men hate women who nag. When love, respect, submission, and God are present, a marriage will stand no matter the challenges.
You don’t have to be religious to marry, but when God is there, it will help you a lot. A natural man can not love because love is of God. Because love is of God, you can be kind, give, and share them.
You don’t love only them; you also love your spouse’s parents, siblings, and their loved ones. That’s one of the things that helped me during the passing of my wife, because they knew that I loved her.
One of the shocking Igbo traditions is that they don’t allow the remains of their own to be buried out there. However, since they knew I loved her, that’s why her remains are buried in my compound.
Adeniyi: As the husband, my primary role is to provide for the family’s needs. In a typical home, the husband is the head, and that responsibility comes with the duty of provision and direction. My wife’s role is to manage the home-caring for the family, ensuring our well-being, and stewarding what is provided.
This doesn’t always involve money, but it requires wisdom, diligence, and attention. My wife was particularly prudent. Whenever we went to the market together, we often spent hours there because she knew how to make every resource count.
For instance, if a bowl of garri was sold for N3,000, my wife would make sure she bought it at a reduced price (e.g., N1, 200). She made sure nothing was wasted and that the family was well cared for.
I have also learned that women see ahead. They are often more observant and discerning. Most of the things we don’t see, they sense the danger ahead and offer timely counsel. Whenever my wife cautions me, and I listen, it has always worked for our good.
For example, there are times I would be conversing with friends and get carried away, spilling my thoughts and opinions. But when my wife signals through her eyes, I calm down and compose myself.
In essence, my role is to provide, and my wife complements that by managing and multiplying what is given through God’s help. Together, this balance has helped our home thrive.
Adeniyi: Conflicts often arose from arguments. Most of the time, these arguments were connected to issues of submission and respect. When we talk about submission here, it should be total submission, because partial submission often leads to arguments.
In today’s world, with women’s liberation, some women feel they can always talk back. Men are not God, but when a little respect is taken away from a man, arguments may occur. It may sound archaic, but it is a reality.
Another cause of conflict is provision. When a man does not adequately provide for his family, even when he has the means to do so, arguments can arise. Say the woman wants N10,000 and you give her N5,000, but she thinks you can give more than that, that could cause arguments.
Arguments are inevitable in marriage, but when they come, they should be handled with love. We must always remember that we are human and that understanding helps resolve conflicts.
One thing I realised is that the farther you go in marriage, the more maturity and understanding you gain. As a result, the less rancour you experience. With time, understanding reduces conflict.
There comes a point where I no longer see my wife only as my wife; I see her as my sister. That level of maturity and understanding is important in resolving conflicts. When you truly know the other person, you understand how best to relate with them.
Adeniyi: Yes. One practice that has consistently kept our bond strong is praying together as a family. There’s a saying we truly lived by: “A family that prays together, stays together.”
From the early days of our marriage, we committed to a daily family altar. We prayed together every morning, first at 5 a.m., and later at 6 a.m. as our environment changed. Even before the days of online devotionals and the Internet, we relied on a daily devotional from our church called Precious Seed.
We may not always do the evening reading, but the morning devotion was non-negotiable. Sometimes it lasted 15 minutes, other times 30, but we stayed consistent every day. As our children came along, they met us already rooted in this practice, and it became a family culture.
Even when they later left for school, we continued encouraging them by sending devotionals and reminders so we could all remain spiritually connected, even from a distance
This habit kept us on the same page spiritually and emotionally. It also helped us resolve disagreements. Many times, issues were quietly raised during prayers or through the Word. For example, I could say, “Father, forgive your daughter for what she did yesterday,” and before we knew it, peace had returned.
Once we prayed together and truly heard each other’s desires before God, matters were settled. So, I strongly recommend a family altar to newlyweds. It knits the couple and the children together, strengthens communication, and keeps God at the center of the home. Even if you’re separated by distance, spend at least 10 minutes praying together.
Adeniyi: We were married from December 1997 to 2023. That is approximately 25 years.
Adeniyi: She was very loving and caring, and one thing that stood out strongly was her hard work. My wife would come around and wash my clothes. She cooked me good food, which I missed about her. That was one of the things that drew me closer to her.
I am from Ibadan, and we are used to amala. But when my wife made rice, she would garnish it with fish and all sorts, spread it on a big flat plate, and set the table before me — in the presence of my enemies 😂At that point, I knew I must marry her.
She was committed. Even though she was not well learned, she carried herself like a literate person. She was very exposed and moved in high and influential circles. Her work in beauty and cosmetics brought her into contact with big women. She spoke very good English, and at times, she would even correct my English and intonation.
She was reliable, resourceful, and very observant. Above all, she was a virtuous woman. She was also very supportive. She did not keep just any kind of friends — it was a small, meaningful circle. Even while we were still courting, she would go home to take care of my father while I was in Lagos. My father discussed things more with her than with me.
Above all, she was a virtuous woman and really prayerful, God-fearing, and compassionate. She loved God and people. When she passed on, the Federal College of Education Theatre Arts department, both staff and students, dedicated a whole day to honour her by portraying her influence through drama and storytelling. She was a counselor to both married couples and singles.
Her life cannot be quantified in words. That is why I will simply describe her as a virtuous woman. I may not be perfect, but I loved her all through.
Adeniyi: If couples could copy one thing from our marriage, it should be love. Love is the foundation that carries everything else. When you truly love your partner, challenges can be managed, differences can be resolved, and peace can be preserved.
As I mentioned earlier, love God. That’s the number one thing. When two people love God, loving each other becomes natural. A man must love and protect his family, never exposing them or allowing them to be mishandled. Love also produces respect between spouses and even toward the children, so the family bond remains mutual and strong.
Because I loved my wife and my children, there was nothing within my capacity that I could not give them. Love guided our conversations, our decisions, and how we raised our children from a young age. When love is present, every other thing finds its place. Love truly takes care of everything.
Adeniyi: I am grateful that we built a Christian home. I am happy that we built our family on love. I am also grateful because the man who entered this marriage is not the same man you see today. I thank God for meeting my wife and for building our home together.
I chose the academic line while my wife chose the business line. I made sure I gave her all the support she needed, even while I was in Lagos. When she was not around, I took care of the children out of love. I believe that is one of the reasons the children loved me deeply.
One experience that stayed with me was with one of the twins who started walking later than the other. While people joked about the one who had not started walking, even though they were little at the time, I defended and trusted that the right time would come.
I told them to leave her alone and that when the time was right, she would walk. That very day, she started to walk. That reminded me that love gives room for growth without pressure.
We built our home on love and mutual support. I built my wife her business space, and we gave each other the support we both needed. When we moved to a private university in Omu-aran, she saw a space, bought it, and started a small business there.
That got me angry because the private university’s policy didn’t allow businesses on campus. But when the Holy Spirit told me to support her, I became calm. Before we left, the business expanded.
My wife and I respected each other’s callings. Don’t build their homes based on what people will say. People will not live with you, so build your home on love and understanding.
Whenever she says something, and I start listing my achievements, such as FMIC and FMIA, she jokes about it and tells me to convert them into money. But when she became serious, it only took her eyes for me to know that the matter on the ground was no joke. We checked and balanced things together, and that is respect for each other.
Adeniyi: I don’t believe in loss. I believe I did not lose my wife. She only passed on to glory, which is a new phase for her. However, her passing left a big vacuum in my life, one that can never be filled.
It has been about three years since she passed on, and up till now, I have not settled down. It is not that there are no women around; it is just difficult. When you have already enjoyed something good, you already have a template of a home.
There was someone who came around. I gave her forty thousand naira to get food and take care of things in the house around the middle of the month. She went away with the money. After she had collected her salary, she came back.
I said, “We had only put one leg in the water, and she was already drawing it dry.” That was the end of that kind of relationship. If I gave my wife that same amount of money, she would triple it and still make sure there was more than enough in the house. The loss affects me in that regard.
That loss also put down a legacy. At times, I do not want to remember certain things because they bring back memories, yet I still want them there because they show love.
And whoever wants to come into my life should not think that my wife is not pretty. I have eyes for good things, and my wife was beautiful. Sometimes, I feel like she is still cautioning me on whom to marry.
I am also careful not to lead people on. My wife used to tell me that the way I relate with people, women will still fall in love, even when I do not have such intentions. There are people I could choose from, but I cannot, because they do not fit the standard my late wife left behind.
This experience has affected me both positively and negatively. Positively, because she laid down a legacy; and negatively, because she left a vacuum that no one can ever fill in my life. Today, I’m celebrating her; I don’t mourn her.
I have decided to allow her to rest in peace. I do not mourn her, and that does not mean I have forgotten her. During our anniversary, I chose not to post on social media. Even though I know people would want to contribute, I decided to keep silent.
The question I wanted to post was, “Do death really do people apart?” because the common saying is “Till death do us part.” That’s a big question hovering in my mind now.
We thank God. Three years on, and God has been faithful. The children are doing well, and to the glory of God, I know they can do even better. I am well as of today, and I pray there will be no health challenges.
I can play football, swim, and jump. Because of my weight, though, I may not be able to walk for too long. God has been faithful, and to Him alone be all the glory.
To young couples out there, marriage is good and honourable. One will put a thousand to fly, but two will put ten thousand to fly. As long as you have the right person.
Never be part of those running from marriage. You just have to be careful. Don’t be too worldly, and don’t let your expectations be so high that you chase people away.
When I had little, I still settled my wife, bought her a car, and sent the children through university. Be prayerful. Don’t go where God did not send you, and don’t marry because of material things.
A young man who has little today but foresight — you can join him and build a home together. In summary, women are home builders.
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