Author:
Funmito Obafemi
Infidelity in a relationship is one of the most painful experiences anyone can face. It breaks trust, causes deep emotional wounds, and often leaves the other person questioning their worth or wondering what they did wrong. When a man cheats, it’s easy to label him as heartless or selfish, but the truth isn’t always that straightforward. The reasons behind infidelity can be complex and sometimes even surprising.
The question of why men cheat deserves honest exploration. This article sheds light on the possible reasons why men cheat and offers practical ways individuals and partners can begin the journey of healing and overcoming the pain of betrayal.
While infidelity is never justified, there are different reasons why people cheat. Understanding the biological, emotional, psychological, and situational triggers that drive some men to cheat can help shine a light on the underlying issues. In an interview, Esther Perel, a psychotherapist and relationship philosopher, attributes affairs that often reflect a crisis of disconnection, where unmet needs for love, validation, or emotional safety push individuals to seek fulfillment elsewhere.
She explains that infidelity is not always about sex but rather a quest for emotional connection, novelty, and a redefinition of self. Her perspective highlights that cheating can be an attempt to reclaim lost parts of oneself, especially when a relationship lacks emotional intimacy and mutual understanding.
However, it’s essential to note that emotional disconnection isn’t the only reason why men cheat. The next section explores a few reasons that cause men to be unfaithful in their relationships.
Love goes beyond romantic gestures or physical attraction. It’s about emotional support, affection, care, and mutual respect. It’s feeling seen, appreciated, and emotionally safe with your partner. Love is when both people are invested not just in being together, but in understanding and supporting each other.
When a man now feels that this emotional intimacy is missing, that is when he no longer feels cared for, wanted, or emotionally connected, he may begin to feel empty or distant in the relationship. That emotional gap can create vulnerability, making him more likely to seek affection elsewhere.
When a boy child is repeatedly exposed to infidelity during their formative years, especially from trusted role models, it can shape their mindset. They grow up to see infidelity as just something right. This early exposure can blur the lines between right and wrong.
Some men grew up in environments where cheating is normalized, where a father, uncle, or male figure is unfaithful, and it is either excused or ignored. It subtly sends the message that cheating is normal, acceptable, or even expected in relationships. It can grow into a belief system that affects their actions later in life. Some might not even see cheating as a big deal because it was never treated as one growing up.
Commitment, here, means a deep willingness to stay loyal, emotionally present, and dedicated to one person through both the highs and lows. It’s about choosing that person every day, even when it’s not convenient or exciting. Emotional affairs can feel less demanding because they lack the responsibilities and expectations of a committed partnership.
In such situations, cheating becomes a way to avoid the deeper emotional investment that true commitment requires, as they fear being tied down. To them, the idea of long-term responsibility feels overwhelming, and instead of addressing that fear or confusion, some men distance themselves emotionally and go to cheat.
A healthy relationship should have a mix of things such as emotional connection, physical intimacy, shared values, fun, growth, and good communication. But when the emotional side is neglected, conversations become shallow, attention fades, or their partner stops being intentional, contributing to a lack of intimacy and an unhappy relationship.
As a result, that emotional flatness can drive them to seek excitement or connection somewhere else. When the other person discovers, it breeds conflicts in the relationship.
Ego, in this context, is about control, pride, and a need to feel powerful or desired. Some men see themselves as the one who should always be in charge. They view their role through a lens of dominance, not partnership. When a man’s ego leads the way, he may cheat to prove something to himself or others. It could be to feel more “manly,” to feed a sense of pride, or to affirm that he still “has it.” It becomes less about love and more about validation.
Cheating, to him, becomes a way of stroking his ego rather than addressing deeper insecurities or emotional needs. When ego drives infidelity, the motivations are less about the partner or the relationship and more about the man’s internal struggles with self-image and identity.
Some men cheat simply because they crave something new. The idea of being with one person for the rest of their lives feels restricting, not because their partner isn’t enough, but because their mindset is shaped by the belief that more is better. These kinds of men aren’t content. One partner isn’t enough. Even though their partner is loving and supportive, they still want to look elsewhere.
They see relationships as experiences to collect, rather than commitments to build. He may justify his actions by saying things like “I just want to try something new”. It’s a mentality rooted in greed, entitlement, and emotional immaturity. It may eventually become a cycle as no one is ever enough, and no relationship ever truly satisfies.
Sometimes, cheating isn’t just about a moment of weakness. It’s about a deeply rooted mindset. Some men grew up with the belief that “all men cheat,” or that being unfaithful is a normal part of being male, or that if a man doesn’t cheat, he will either drink or smoke.
This mentality is often passed down socially, or from personal environments where loyalty is not valued or modeled. It’s almost as if being faithful and disciplined makes you “less of a man.” In this way of thinking, cheating becomes expected, even justified. Those excuses are rooted in the belief system and can cause emotional abuse in their relationship.
Related: 9 Signs Your Boyfriend is Cheating
Men naturally have higher levels of testosterone, which often correlates with a stronger, more frequent sex drive compared to women. Men often cite sexual dissatisfaction (not enough sex, or not exciting enough) as a major reason for cheating. A consistently high, unmet sex drive can push some men to seek satisfaction elsewhere.
When men experience unfulfilled sexual desires, they may feel disconnected from their partner. This feeling can arise from a combination of physical and emotional needs that are not being satisfied, and they may begin to seek sexual fulfillment outside their primary relationship.
Like Steve Harvey said in his book, “If you don’t think sex is important to your man, you’re wrong. It’s critical. It’s one of the three things that a man has to have. A man has to have love, support, and the cookie (sex). If any of those three things is missing in the relationship, he’s going to go get it somewhere else.”
The allure of new experiences and partners may seem appealing as they search for satisfaction that they believe is lacking at home. This pursuit can lead to a cycle of cheating as they think they deserve better, more, or different.
Another reason why men cheat is due to sex addiction. Sex addiction is a compulsive need for sexual activity, even when it’s damaging to the individual or those around them. Most times, it starts when they are exposed to porn at a young age which creates fantasies and later becomes an addiction. As they grow, there is a need to feed the porn addiction, so they resort to prostitutes or having multiple affairs, while causing deep emotional harm to their partner.
A man struggling with sexual addiction may feel powerless to control his urges. He’s not cheating just for the thrill of excitement, but rather something he can’t stop, even if he wants to. It’s often fueled by emotional emptiness, past trauma, or a deep sense of shame, yet despite the guilt, the cycle continues because the addiction hasn’t been addressed.
Once a man has experienced the thrill or relief associated with cheating, he may find it easier to justify similar actions in the future. They say history repeats itself, and when it comes to cheating, that can be very true. A man who has cheated before may be more likely to cheat again, especially if the root cause of his behavior was never addressed. Once the line has been crossed, it can be easier to cross it again.
Cheating can become a pattern when it’s not followed by true accountability, reflection, or change. If he got away with it the first time or was forgiven without doing the work to rebuild trust and grow, he might not take the consequences seriously. It becomes something he thinks he can manage, hide, or excuse.
When a man is presented with a chance to engage in extramarital interactions, the combination of impulse and situational factors can lead to decisions that may not have been considered otherwise. The idea that “opportunity comes but once” is particularly applicable here. It starts with a moment such as staying late at work, a trip away from home, a late-night conversation, or a tempting offer. This kind of cheating is driven by impulse and lack of self-control. It’s the mindset of “no one will know,” or “it just happened,” as if the presence of opportunity justifies the act.
Men in this category don’t think about the consequences of their actions. In the heat of the moment, he may prioritize self-gratification over long-term ramifications. The rush that comes from engaging in a secretive act can overshadow the awareness of potential damage to their relationship, leading to an impulse-driven decision to cheat.
A man who can’t control himself around temptation, who entertains inappropriate conversations or physical closeness, will cheat. Some men lose all sense of control the moment they’re around attractive women. They flirt, get too comfortable, and cross lines they shouldn’t even when they’re in committed relationships.
This doesn’t always start with bad intentions, but it often ends in bad decisions. The problem isn’t the presence of the opposite sex, it’s the lack of boundaries.
It’s not that women are forcing them to cheat; it’s he who grants the access. The partner’s affair can start in suggestive conversations, respond to flirtation, or put themselves in compromising situations. Eventually, the line between “harmless” and “harmful” gets blurred and results in cheating.
In relationships, selfishness manifests when the cheating partner prioritizes his desires over the trust and well-being of the other person. He may seek personal gratification without considering the emotional damage inflicted on his significant other. He sees his physical, emotional, or ego-driven needs as more important than the commitment he made.
Instead of communicating or working through issues, he chooses the easier, self-serving route, which is betrayal. This kind of cheating is especially painful because it reveals a disregard for the partner’s feelings. There’s no deep emotional excuse or complicated backstory, just a me-first mentality.
As relationships progress and partners age, various physical and emotional changes can occur that may reduce intimacy. For instance, menopause can lead to discomfort during sexual activity, and age-related health issues might reduce sexual desire. These changes can create challenges in maintaining the same level of physical intimacy that was present earlier in the relationship.
Rather than seeking understanding or exploring new ways to connect, they might look outside the relationship for validation or to recapture a sense of youthfulness. This behavior is often influenced by societal pressures that equate masculinity with sexual prowess and the desire to feel desired.
Related: How to Heal from Emotional Abuse in a Relationship
Infidelity doesn’t have to be the end of a relationship, but it does change everything. Healing takes time, honesty, and effort from both sides. If your partner cheated, the road to recovery starts with taking responsibility and making intentional choices moving forward. Below are some steps to consider, depending on where you stand.
If you’ve just discovered your partner’s infidelity, the emotional weight can feel crushing as confusion, betrayal, and anger often flood in all at once. But before making any final decisions, it’s important to pause, process, and take some intentional steps that can help you find clarity and control in the chaos.
An open communication creates a space where you can voice raw emotions, questions, and truths. Silence often deepens wounds and fuels assumptions, which is why opening a dialogue is necessary. Timing matters; rushing the conversation amid heightened anger or shock can escalate conflict, while delaying it indefinitely may breed resentment.
Instead, choose a moment when both can engage with some degree of calm, even if discomfort lingers. The goal is to fix things for eventual healing, whether the path leads to reconciliation or separation. Also, communication requires follow-up conversations that will be needed to address lingering doubts, negotiate boundaries, or assess progress.
After discussing what happened, assess whether trust can be rebuilt. You need to gauge his willingness to take accountability and demonstrate change. Pay attention to his response to bring out the truth. Trust is earned through consistent actions over time, not words alone.
Ask directly but compassionately if you can trust him to prioritize your romantic relationship moving forward. Defensiveness or vague promises may signal unresolved issues, while specific commitments such as “I’ll end all contact with that person” show genuine effort.
Healing begins when you prioritize your well-being, whether that’s through rebuilding together or letting go. After confronting the betrayal and assessing his willingness to rebuild trust, decide whether the relationship is worth it. This isn’t a choice to rush because it requires honesty about what you need and what he’s capable of offering.
Ask yourself questions like “Can I envision a future where I feel safe and respected again?” and “Is he actively working to repair the harm?” There’s no shame in walking away if the emotional toll outweighs the potential for renewal. Just make sure it doesn’t affect your self-worth and next relationship.
But if you choose to stay, work together to rebuild the trust. This can take months or years. Set healthy boundaries that are transparent and a mutual commitment to addressing the root causes of infidelity in your relationship.
Like Esther Perel said, “Most of us are going to have two or three relationships in our adult life or marriages. Some of us are going to do it with the same person. Sometimes, the affair is the end of the first marriage or the first relationship, but it can be the beginning of the next one with each other, and that’s the rebuilding of trust.”
You need to take a proactive decision to prioritize your emotional well-being. A therapist can help you determine whether you should stay, leave, or if you can ever trust your partner again. They provide a guided environment to rebuild trust, improve communication, and explore the deeper issues that may have contributed to the breakdown in the relationship.
A therapist also provides a neutral and supportive space where you can unpack the emotions caused by infidelity, as they can be overwhelming and hard to process on your own or even with your partner. Whether it leads to reconciliation or separation, therapy can help you make those decisions from a place of strength, not pain.
Related: How to Stop Overthinking After Being Cheated On
If you’re the one who broke the trust, it’s not enough to just feel guilty. You have to confront the reason behind your actions. Healing begins with accountability, and that starts with asking yourself some hard questions before trying to mend what’s been broken.
You can’t keep toying with someone’s emotions, breaking their trust, asking for forgiveness, and then doing it again. That kind of emotional rollercoaster is deeply unfair and damaging. So ask yourself honestly, “Are you ready to be faithful? Can you commit to the work that real healing requires?”
If not, it’s better to let your partner go than to keep her in a cycle of hurt. If you don’t address the root cause, you risk repeating the same hurtful behavior. Cheating doesn’t just happen, it’s a decision. You owe it to your partner and to yourself to decide whether you’re truly ready to make different choices.
If you feel the relationship can be amended and resolved amicably, then take responsibility and be willing to show up fully. But if you know deep down that the spark is gone, or the trust is too broken, then it’s kinder to walk away than to stay and hurt your partner even more.
It’s not just about guilt or fear of being alone, it’s about genuine desire. Do you still see a future with your partner? Do you believe the relationship can be rebuilt on honesty, respect, and commitment? Don’t stay in the relationship just to avoid guilt or to keep up appearances. That only causes more harm to your partner.
If you truly want to win your partner back after cheating, words alone won’t cut it. Action is everything if you want to rebuild trust. Saying “I’m sorry” or “It won’t happen again” means nothing if it’s not backed by consistent, intentional effort. The trust has been broken, and rebuilding it requires time, patience, and a willingness to do the hard work.
You have to be ready to face uncomfortable conversations, answer questions honestly, and be transparent even when it’s inconvenient. Your partner may be angry, hurt, withdrawn, or unsure, and that’s valid. It’s not their job to get over it quickly. It’s your job to show, not just tell, that you’re committed to change to create long-term relationships.
Choose to see a therapist, as it is a sign of maturity and accountability. It shows that you’re not just sorry, you’re committed to doing better, both for yourself and your relationship. A therapist provides a safe, non-judgmental space where you can explore the root causes of your actions, whether it’s unresolved trauma, emotional disconnection, impulse control, or something else.
It’s not just about fixing the relationship; it’s also about fixing you. It can help you become more self-aware, learn healthier coping mechanisms, and develop better communication and emotional regulation skills.
Choosing to cheat is a decision. And in that moment, a line is crossed that often leads to pain and regret. So while it’s important to understand the reasons, it’s even more important to emphasize that mature, honest relationships are built on trust, not betrayal.
In the end, love doesn’t thrive in secrecy. Respect doesn’t live in lies. If you’re unhappy in a relationship, speak up. If you’re struggling, seek help, but don’t let cheating be the road you take. It never truly leads to peace. And no matter the reason behind it, one truth remains, which is that cheating should never be an option.
