There’s a world of difference between someone who loves you and someone who emotionally abuses you. An emotional abuser works to control you, often underhandedly, to get what they want. 

When you finally take a stand and assert yourself, their reactions can be telling and trigger responses from the manipulator. In this article, we will explore the signs of emotional abuse in a romantic relationship. 

What is Emotional Abuse?

Emotional abuse, also known as psychological abuse,  isn’t always easy to recognize, but at its core, it’s about controlling and undermining another person. It involves manipulating someone’s emotions, isolating them from support systems, or consistently belittling them to erode their self-worth. 

Unlike emotional intimacy where you feel safe and secure, an emotional abuser creates a toxic environment where you feel trapped, confused, or even responsible for the mistreatment. In the United States, most partners experience psychological aggression by an intimate partner in their lifetime. That’s why you can’t ignore the signs, as they harm you psychologically and mentally. 

9 Signs of Emotional Abuse in a Relationship

When emotional abuse takes place, the victim often finds it difficult to realize they are being abused. While some signs can be subtle, others can be more prominent. Here are 9 signs you may be experiencing emotional abuse in a relationship:

1. Manipulation 

Manipulation is a deceptive act usually in psychological form aimed at influencing and controlling others. Its goal is to have power over or gain control over the other person to get what they want. While manipulation doesn’t present itself clearly in a malicious way, it often cloaks itself through conversations that may seem harmless. 

Anybody who manipulates you knows your weakness and won’t hesitate to use it against you. They make you feel emotionally drained, fearful, anxious, doubt your own needs, and question your feelings. Manipulation leads you away from having honest conversations and sharing your opinions in an attempt to leave you confused. 

Manipulation occurs in different forms. Some of these include: 

• Gaslighting: This occurs when you as the victim doubt your perception of reality. The abuser may deny their words, events, or circumstances, leading you to question your own memory, perception, or judgment. 
• Love Bombing: A manipulative partner showers you with excessive promises, gifts, and affection in the early stage of the relationship. This can look like saying “I love you” a few days after meeting you or asking for commitment. The goal is to trap you in a state of codependency. Once they feel you’re committed, they withdraw the affection, leaving you to crave them more.
• Passive-Aggressive Behavior: Rather than having a direct conversation, a manipulative partner resorts to passive-aggressive behavior. They exercise conflict-avoidant traits such as changing the subject of the conversation and using humor or sarcasm to downplay issues. Dramatic gestures, procrastination on agreed tasks, or immature emotional reactions are some common methods they use to leave you confused about their feelings. 
• Silent Treatment: This often happens when a manipulative partner punishes you emotionally until you do what they want. They can withdraw or withhold affection, information, or anything that matters to them in a bid to get what they want. 
• Lying or Blame-Shifting: A manipulative partner often avoids accountability or responsibility, even for their actions. They can lie to paint themselves in a positive light. They can also shift the blame to make you feel you’re in the wrong or create self-doubt. 

2. Gaslighting 

Gaslighting is another abusive behavior. This manipulative tactic undermines the victim’s perception of reality. They may deny that a specific argument, agreement, or event happened, leading you to question your own memory. 

Gaslighting makes you second-guess yourself based on the things your partner says or does. Imagine being told that something you remember clearly “never happened.” That’s an instance of gaslighting. The abuser denies or scoffs at your recollection of events, calling you “too sensitive” or “crazy” when you express your needs, concerns, or doubts. 

They make you feel your emotions aren’t real or valid. They twist or retell events to shift blame to you. They insist they’re right and refuse to consider your perspective. The constant stream of contradictions and denials gradually erodes your confidence, leaving you unsure of your opinions. 

A gaslighter can call you insecure or jealous when they are caught cheating. Rather than accept the situation or seek forgiveness, they would instead blame or change small details in the story to make you doubt yourself. The only escape way to be sure is if you have solid proof to back up your argument.

Gaslighting is subtle. It encompasses persistent lying, denying occurrences despite proof, blaming the victim, and refusing to apologize. This can leave the victim feeling confused, insecure, and dependent on their partner for validation. It is a tricky situation where you don’t even realize you are in it, making it hard to trust your own judgment or perspective. 

3. Controlling Behaviors 

There are some things we all should expect from a partner: trust, respect, and support are amongst the most important. When trust is non-existent, respect is lacking and your partner is more likely to put you down than to support you, your relationship may have become controlling.

Controlling behavior involves actions or words that force others to meet someone’s standards, desires, or needs, often harming the other person’s mental or physical well-being. It is unhealthy and self-serving, damaging the trust and respect between partners in a romantic relationship. 

A person may control their partner because of their own deep-seated insecurities. It could also be a defense mechanism due to past trauma and low self-esteem. They may even be re-creating the relationship they witnessed between their parents growing up.

Controlling partners are often jealous. They frame their possessive feelings as positive. This jealousy can turn into controlling behavior like expecting you to answer texts and calls right away, no matter where you are or what you are doing. They question what you were doing, where you have been, and who you have been with. 

They stalk their partners, making them experience heightened levels of anxiety, fear, and hypervigilance due to the unpredictable nature of their stalking behaviors. Victims frequently feel afraid, guilt, or humiliation, believing they are somehow responsible for the stalker’s actions.

4. Verbal Assault

If you can’t express yourself without personally attacking your partner or lowering their self-esteem, you may be verbally assaulting your partner.

Verbal abuse is the use of words to intimidate, control, or undermine a partner’s self-esteem. It involves blaming, threats, yelling, name-calling or derogatory nicknames, public embarrassment, ridicule, criticism, or words used to attack your partner’s character.

In an abusive relationship, when one partner struggles to communicate their needs and expectations effectively, they may turn to verbal aggression instead of engaging in a constructive argument. This only adds to the distress and tension, resulting in conflicts in relationships. 

5. Guilt-tripping 

Imagine a situation where a partner yelled at the victim in front of others at a gathering. Later, when confronted, the abuser might say, “You’re exaggerating, I was just being funny”. This tactic minimizes the victim’s experience, making them feel uncertain and even guilty for reacting. 

Guilt-tripping is a tactic where someone makes another person feel guilty, often influencing their behavior or choices. Instead of expressing their needs or desires openly, the guilt-tripper uses subtle or indirect language to imply that the other person has disappointed, hurt, or let them down in some way. 

Guilt-tripping may take many forms, from criticism to passive aggression to playing the victim. It may also be communicated with sighs, shrugs, and other negative body language. It might be a way to show dissatisfaction with you without simply saying so. 

Guilt trips may seem trivial or annoying, but they can wreck relationships. When someone runs a guilt trip on you, you may feel stressed for saying no under pressure, or resentment for saying yes and feeling manipulated.

6. Financial abuse 

Your partner may control you financially by making you dependent on them to survive, such as not allowing you to work, controlling the flow of finances, or making all financial decisions in the relationship. They may also blame you for not working when they are responsible for that, refuse to work, or put all the financial responsibilities on you.

The goal of a financial abuser is to gain power and control in a relationship. For instance, a person may have their own money restricted or stolen by the abuser. They may also not have complete access to their money and other resources. 

When you do have money, you often have to account for every penny you spend. They may also try to control you with money or access to things you need. This is more prevalent in relationships where one person works and the other doesn’t. 

Your partner can also abuse you financially when they are lazy. Even while they are able-bodied, they see you as the hardworking person or the cash cow who can do it all while they remain in their comfort zone relaxing. They choose not to work but spend every penny they worked hard to earn. This doesn’t apply to stay-at-home mothers who take charge of household responsibilities. 

The effect of financial abuse is devastating and those who do manage to escape an abusive situation often face extreme difficulties in obtaining long-term housing, safety, and security.

7. Coercive Sex 

Coercive sex refers to an unwanted sexual activity that happens when an individual is threatened, compelled, or tricked using non-physical means. The idea behind it is to make the victim think they owe the perpetrator sex. But manipulating or intimidating another person into a sexual act that they did not want to perform—that’s coercion. 

An instance is when a person decides to wait till marriage, but the partner craftily coerces them to have sex to satisfy their desires. This may not happen immediately and it could take years for them to achieve their objective. The result? It becomes damaging to the victim, especially when they are deeply convinced that they don’t want to do it. 

Abusers often combine their sexual coercion tactics with other weapons of coercive control such as isolation, mind control, manipulation, and physical abuse. Altogether, these create an emotionally abusive relationship that erodes the victim’s autonomy and self-worth.

Recognizing sexually coercive behavior can be challenging, especially when it comes from someone you know and trust. These tactics create a sense of fear and obligation, making the victim feel trapped and powerless to refuse, afraid to say “no.” 

8. Breadcrumbing

People who abuse others emotionally often use the “breadcrumbing” or emotional distancing as punishment. Breadcrumbing comes in the form of minimal attention or affection, false hope, and lack of effort, which can leave the other person confused, undervalued, or emotionally drained. Someone who breadcrumbs enjoys the chase of a relationship more than the actual work entailed. People of such are unpredictable and give enough crumbs to keep the other feeling intrigued. 

While it can be disconcerting, remember that it’s just another scope. Don’t let this form of emotional distancing draw you back into their control. Instead, use this time to establish a stronger sense of self and independence. 

9. Emotional Neglect 

Simply put, emotional neglect in a relationship is when there is a lack of emotional support from a partner, preventing the other person from understanding their emotions. This typically happens when a person lacks certain feelings for their partner, prompting the neglected partner to feel alone and deprived.

An instance is when you fail to call your partner or text them frequently, creating a feeling of loneliness or isolation. When their emotional needs are consistently ignored, the victim may struggle to form meaningful connections with others, leaving them feeling isolated even in social settings. 

Often, an emotionally abusive person can also make an effort to isolate you by coming between you and your supportive loved ones — a step that leaves you more dependent on them. Emotional neglect can profoundly affect an individual, often leading to pervasive feelings of sadness and frustration. 

Sadness can emerge as a response to the unacknowledged pain of not feeling valued or cared for, creating a deep sense of emptiness. Frustration is another common effect, as it can lead to irritability or a sense of helplessness in navigating emotional challenges. Together, these feelings create a heavy emotional burden that can impact every aspect of your partner’s life.

Conclusion 

Recognizing emotional abuse in a relationship can be challenging, whether you’re single or married. With the lines blurred, you need to set personal boundaries and back them up with a rigid decision to avoid being walked over.

As a single person, you may need to see a therapist to help you overcome some of the damages perpetuated by your abuser. A married person, who has children or shared assets,  may need to see a mental health professional and legal advisor to exit the relationship successfully.