Conflict Avoidance in Relationships

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Many couples avoid conflict in their relationships in the pursuit of harmony, but this seemingly peaceful approach can have far-reaching consequences. Conflict avoidance often results in unresolved issues, as one partner may feel their needs are being unaddressed or unmet. 

In this article, we will discuss the meaning of conflict avoidance, the top signs that a person is conflict-avoidant, and some tips to overcome it in a romantic relationship. Let’s get started.  

What Is Conflict Avoidance?

Conflict avoidance behavior occurs when a person avoids confrontation with their partner to avoid disagreement, arguments, or conflicts. People exhibiting conflict-avoidant traits may suppress their own feelings, needs, or opinions to avoid hurting others, escape the anxiety that comes with conflict, or keep the peace in a relationship. They steer clear of discussions or situations that can result in disagreement, usually to prevent discomfort, tension, or confrontation. 

For instance, one person in the relationship may feel uncomfortable when their partner doesn’t help with household chores or the children. Rather than addressing this issue, they think about how well they have been getting along with their partners in other areas and sweep the matter under the carpet to prevent arguments. 

Even though it seems that sweeping the matter under the carpet may be the ideal solution at that time, it eventually results in resentment as the matter compounds over time until it’s addressed. Conflict avoidance can, therefore, result in a bigger problem down the lane. 

Approach Avoidance Conflict vs. Fear of Negative Evaluation

Conflict avoidance revolves around two main theories: the approach-avoidance conflict and the fear of negative evaluation. 

The approach-avoidance conflict occurs when a person wants to approach a conflict but also avoid it. For instance, let’s say your partner doesn’t want to help with gardening, but they don’t want you to be mad at them. So, they try to find a way to avoid gardening, while ensuring you don’t get angry. 

On the other hand, the fear of negative evaluation theory states that a person avoids conflicts when they dread being seen in a negative light or being judged negatively by others around them. This happens when a person is afraid of being criticized or judged if they engage in conflicts. For instance, a person doesn’t want to engage in gardening but doesn’t voice out, fearing they could get criticized by their partner. So they willingly comply even if it’s to their dissatisfaction.

7 Top Signs Your Partner Is Conflict Avoidant

Conflict-avoiders exhibit specific traits that prevent them from engaging in conversations. Here are some top signs you should look out for: 

1. They Deflect or Change the Subject

When your partner consistently diverts conversations from sensitive or difficult topics, it indicates a reluctance to engage with underlying issues. This behavior often stems from fears of confrontation, discomfort with emotional vulnerability, or a desire to maintain harmony at all costs.

As they ignore important feelings or needs in a bid to prevent confrontations and maintain peace, they may indirectly compound the problem. Unresolved issues fester over time, building resentments in one or both partners. A 2017 study revealed that unresolved conflicts put even the most satisfying relationships at risk. Prolonging the matter rather than addressing it immediately can create emotional distance and impact your relationships. 

2.They Withdraw or Become Silent

A person with conflict-avoidant traits often resort to silence or physically distance themselves. Silence signals a lack of engagement or a desire to protect oneself from potential emotional pain. While your partner believes that silence is the best approach to tackle the situation at that time, they may end up being wrong, as it results in unresolved issues and grows resentment.

It also hinders open communication, inhibits intimacy, and prevents you from resolving conflicts in relationships. Over time, this withdrawal can create emotional distance between partners, making it increasingly difficult to address underlying issues and maintain a healthy relationship. 

3. They Frequently Agree to Keep the Peace

A conflict-avoidant partner may often agree with you or go along with things, even when they don’t actually agree. They may believe that agreeing with their partner, even at the expense of their own needs or opinions, will prevent conflict and preserve the relationship’s stability.

However, this approach can lead to significant issues over time. Prioritizing peace over honesty can build up unresolved issues, resulting in emotional disconnection. Plus, avoiding genuine communication undermines trust and intimacy, as they may feel unheard or undervalued.

While the intention to keep the peace is a good idea, both partners should express their true thoughts and feelings to foster a healthier and balanced relationship.

4. They Downplay Issues

When issues are frequently downplayed, it also sends a message to the other person that their concerns, or even your own feelings, aren’t important enough to be addressed. This can weaken the emotional connection and trust in the relationship, as both partners may begin to feel disconnected or invalidated.

In the long run, downplaying significant concerns doesn’t preserve peace—it erodes the foundation of open communication that healthy relationships require. It can also lead to unresolved feelings, fostering resentment and frustration over time. 

Partners may feel their needs and emotions are invalidated, which can erode trust and intimacy. This approach can prevent you from addressing underlying problems that improve connection and strengthen bonds between both partners. 

5.They Use Humour to Avoid Serious Conversations

If your partner often makes jokes or uses humor when a serious issue is brought up, it could be a way to deflect and avoid dealing with the conflict directly. As humor can serve as a protective shield against uncomfortable emotions, making jokes or lighthearted comments can sidestep the vulnerability that comes with addressing serious issues.

Plus, relying on humor to avoid conflict can ultimately hinder genuine communication between both parties. One partner may feel their needs are consistently dismissed, resulting in unresolved issues. 

While humor has its place in relationships, it is essential to balance it with open and honest discussions to foster deeper understanding and intimacy.

6. They Avoid Expressing Personal Needs or Desires

A conflict-avoidant partner might refrain from sharing their own needs, preferences, or concerns, fearing it could lead to disagreement. They may believe that voicing their needs could disrupt harmony or provoke conflict, which they find uncomfortable or threatening.

When your partner fails to communicate their needs, it results in an imbalance as they feel their needs are unacknowledged. Over time, this can lead to confrontations that can impact the relationship.

7. They Procrastinate Resolving Issues

Procrastination is a way to avoid the discomfort associated with conflict. The emotional stress of addressing a problem can be overwhelming for someone who fears confrontation. They may worry about the potential fallout of discussing difficult topics and as a result, create temporary relief from these fears by postponing the conversation and delaying resolution. 

Procrastination also signals a lack of willingness to engage in the necessary work for a healthy relationship, leaving one or both partners stuck or disconnected. This often makes the situation worse. Issues that are ignored tend to grow, leading to frustration, resentment, or miscommunication. The longer a problem is avoided, the harder it may become to address and resolve it, as emotions build up over time. 

4 Ways Conflict Avoidance Can Affect Your Relationship

Conflict avoidance affects relationships and results in negative consequences that affect both partners in the long run. Here are a few ways it can impact your romantic relationship: 

1. Lack of Authentic Communication

Avoiding conflict often means avoiding honest conversations that can strengthen the bond in your relationship. Doing this over time can result in superficial communication and prevent emotional intimacy, as you feel forced or stressed to discuss or work out your different perspectives on specific issues. 

2. It Creates Resentment

Conflict avoidance results in unmet needs, leading to frustration and resentment, as one or both partners may feel their needs and concerns are consistently ignored or minimized. 

3.Erosion of Trust

Continuous conflict avoidance can result in loss of trust. When one partner feels their needs aren’t being acknowledged, they may question their partner’s sincerity or commitment towards them, eroding their trust in them. 

4. Stunted Relationship Growth and Dissolution

Problems that are consistently avoided don’t disappear. Instead, they accumulate leading to bigger conflicts that may be harder to resolve in the future. This prevents the relationship from evolving and growing. 

Reconciliation becomes difficult for both partners as time passes. Healthy conflicts can lead to understanding, compromise, and mutual growth, which are essential for a strong and lasting relationship.

How to Overcome Conflict Avoidance in Relationships

Overcoming conflict avoidance in a relationship can strengthen your bond and lead to healthier communication. Here are healthy ways to help you address and manage conflicts more effectively:

1.Recognize the Signs

The first step is to recognize the signs in yourself. Are you the type that sweeps matter under the carpet? Do you find it difficult to express your true emotions, fearing it may lead to disagreement or argument? Acknowledging these steps can help identify what needs to change within yourself, before focusing on your partner’s. 

2. Identify Your Fears

People avoid conflict because they fear negative outcomes, such as rejection, judgment, or the possibility of hurting someone they care about. When you recognize these underlying issues and take the time to reflect on them, you can clarify specific emotional barriers that can prevent you from engaging in conversations. 

Understanding your fears also allows you to challenge them. Once you know what you’re afraid of, ask yourself whether these fears are realistic or exaggerated. This process helps you approach conflict with more clarity and less emotional weight, making it easier to communicate openly without being overwhelmed by anxiety.

3. Start With Small Conversations

Addressing minor issues first is a practical approach to overcoming conflict avoidance. Rather than diving into emotional or complex conflicts, you can start first with smaller conversations. 

These conversations can serve as practice for managing your emotions, expressing yourself clearly, and listening to the other person without becoming overwhelmed. Besides, you build confidence and experience in handling difficult conversations. 

When you start with less significant issues, you’re more likely to feel in control of the situation, which can lower the stakes and ease your anxiety. Successfully navigating these smaller conflicts reinforces the idea that addressing problems doesn’t always lead to negative outcomes. 

Over time, this experience can make you feel more comfortable tackling larger, more emotionally charged issues, as you’ve already developed the confidence to engage in more difficult discussions.

4.Use “I-Statements”

When conflicts arise, emotions can run high, and it’s easy to fall into a pattern of using statements that begin with “you” which can increase hostility and spark defensiveness in the other person.  A 2018 study revealed that the “you-statement” provokes anger while the “I-statement” reduces defensiveness during conversations. 

For example, a sentence such as “You never listen to me” may cause your partner to become defensive, making it harder to resolve the issue. 

However, framing your concerns with “I-statements” such as “I feel unheard when we don’t discuss important things”  shifts the focus to how the situation affects you personally. This reduces the likelihood of the other person feeling attacked, creating a more open and constructive space for dialogue. 

It also encourages them to listen and understand your perspective without feeling blamed for the problem. The “I statement” fosters better communication between both partners, enabling you to resolve the issue rather than escalate it. 

5. Seek Professional Help

Engaging with a qualified therapist or counselor provides a safe and neutral space for couples to address their issues openly. They help individuals recognize patterns of avoidance and develop healthier communication strategies. 

Additionally, they can equip couples with strategies to navigate conflicts constructively, fostering understanding and empathy. By addressing underlying issues with expert support, partners can break the cycle of avoidance, leading to more effective conflict resolution.

Seeking professional help not only aids in resolving current conflicts but also strengthens the relationship by promoting long-term emotional health and resilience. This proactive approach demonstrates a commitment to the relationship and a willingness to grow together, paving the way for deeper connections and mutual respect.

Key Takeaways

Conflict avoidance can be a major setback in relationships. Whether you withdraw or give in without addressing your needs, the resentment grows. If you fail to tackle it early, it can compound into bigger issues and impact your relationship negatively. 

That said, here are some key tips to consider for overcoming conflict avoidance in relationships: 

• Recognize the signs in yourself to identify areas that require changes. 
• Identify your fears to gain insights into emotional barriers that can prevent you from engaging in relationships.
• Start with smaller conversations to help you develop the experience and confidence needed to handle difficult conversations. 
• Use the “I” statement to reduce the likelihood of the other person feeling attacked and create an open relationship
• Seek professional guidance to identify conflict-avoidant traits and develop healthier communication skills. 

FAQs

Is Conflict Avoidance Healthy in a Relationship?

Conflict avoidance is not healthy in a relationship as it can lead to unresolved issues, resentment, and missed opportunities for growth. Healthy relationships involve addressing conflicts constructively and respectfully, promoting intimacy, understanding, and stronger bonds.

What Do You Do When You Feel Conflict-Avoidant?

When you feel conflict-avoidant, be sure to recognize the signs, identify their source, start smaller conversations, practice assertive communication, and seek support when needed.

How Does Conflict Avoidance Impact Relationships?

Conflict avoidance results in unresolved issues that develop into resentments and prevent emotional connection between partners.